RLI's Joke Page

[RLI]

The Gay Cowboy...

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Regards,

RLI

 

[RLI]

A NSW Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving he sits down, and the nurse says,

"Congratulations, your wife has had quins, 5 big baby boys."

The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a cock on me like a chimney."

The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, the babies are black."

Regards,

RLI

 

[RLI]

A Muslim dies and is at the Pearly Gates..

The man is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally knackered and out of breath from all his climbing

"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

"Hey Mohammed, two coffees and make it snappy you lazy cunt!!!!"

Regards,

RLI

 

[RLI]

Little girl on a plane

A Federal government Labour minister was seated next to a little girl on an aeroplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the politician. "How about global warming , fast broadband or the Refugee situation?" he said, smiling smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The politician, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, with typical Labour wisdom"Hmmm, I have no idea.

" To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss refugees, computers, or climate change, when you don't know shit?" she gently turn around went back to reading her book.

 

[bullwinkle]

Noice...

 

[RLI]

Smart arse farking lawyer!

This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina . A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of " small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued - and WON! (wait till you read the rest of the farking story)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST FARKING PART!

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest in the US.

Farking like it

Regards,

RLI

 

[RLI]

Heaven

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her.

"Hello - How are you!
We've been waiting for you!
Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."

The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. I'm surprised to see you," the woman said.. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my new wife and then I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," his ex-wife woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

" Czechoslovakia .."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later!

Regards,

RLI

 

[RLI]

Make me feel like a woman !!

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

'I'm too young to die,' she wails.

Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth
to be memorable!

Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.

They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a Jackeroo from Australia stands up in the rear of the plane.

He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one
button at a time.

No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps. >> >>


He whispers . .

'Iron this. Then get me a beer'.

Regards,

RLI

 

[RLI]

A report out today says 40% of men over 40 suffer from erection problems! Looking at 40% of women over 40, it's not farkin’ hard to see why…!

Regards,

RLI

 

[RLI]

A young Afghani gets signed up by the Bulldogs

Noel Cleal flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani star in a local game of rugby played with an inflated goat's bladder. He is suitably impressed, gets on the phone to Des Hasler, signs the boy on the spot and arranges for him to come over to Sydney.

Two weeks later The Doggies are 12 - 0 down to The Sea Eagles at home with only 20 minutes left - it's been a hard day at the office. Hasler gives the young Afghani winger the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, playing an absolute blinder. He scores 3 tries in 20 minutes, converts all of them himself from out wide and wins the game for Canterbury. The Belmore Oval fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star of Rugby League.

When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in the NRL.

'Hello Mum, guess what?' he says, 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 12 - 0 down but I scored 3 tries - they call it a hat-trick - and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me - I'm so happy.'

'Just wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted - she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle. Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'

'Sorry? Sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we came to Bankstown Australia in the first place!'

Regards,

RLI

 

[RLI]

Three Men!

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie Bikie are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land in Canada to be forever fertile.'

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said: 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans, Australians or Canadians can come into our precious land'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Bikie says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Bikie sits down on his Harley,

cracks a beer,

lights a cigarette,

smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'

Regards,

RLI

 

[Bvandermaat]

HAHAH that one is a beauty. Thanks RLI

 

[d22dave]

sink or swim

 

[RLI]

The Dark Side Of Women................................

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU..

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!

While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take!

For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And you will now be his career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

Regards,

RLI

 

[bullwinkle]

Pretty sure you just described my missus!!!

 

[RLI]

Dad's reply!

I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

My Dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my Dad staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid…

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you're my kid."

Regards,

RLI











_

 

[RLI]

bomb outside a mosque..

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque..
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

Regards,

RLI

 

[tsounts]

Man, each joke is better than the others! Keep'em coming!

 

[RLI]

Man, each joke is better than the others! Keep'em coming!

Good onya mate!

I will try my farken best

Regards,

RLI

 

[RLI]

A Soldier’s Wife Confesses

A Soldier’s Wife Confesses

"I sat, as did millions of other Australians, and watched as the government
underwent a peaceful transition of power twelve months ago. At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Julia Gillard took her oath of office.

However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 SAS Soldiers
In full dress uniform with rifles, Fire a 21-gun salute to the Prime Minister.
It was then that I realized how far Australia's military had deteriorated..

Every one of them missed the bitch."

Regards,

RLI