bullwinkle
Member
You bloody misogynist!! (I'm joking)
RLI's Joke Page
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RLI
Member
I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the boot of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "praise Allah" and took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere a B double truck came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, " Man...that could have been me !"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
Regards,
RLI
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the boot of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "praise Allah" and took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere a B double truck came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, " Man...that could have been me !"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
Regards,
RLI
RLI
Member
Mother of all Jihadist Jokes...
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a litre of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''
''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.
"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.
''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''
''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''
''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.
''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.
''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''
''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . ..
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Regards,
RLI
d22dave
Member
I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the boot of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "praise Allah" and took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere a B double truck came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, " Man...that could have been me !"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
Regards,
RLI
Think i best go for a drive in the truck tomorrow,
RLI
Member
Little Bruce & Jenny!
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable..
Regards,
RLI
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable..
Regards,
RLI
RLI
Member
Drinking and Driving!
G, day folks!
I would like to share an experience with you about drink driving. As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the local authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I went out for a few beers with some army mates and i had a farken too many beers and then topped it off with a few rums.
Not a good idea. Knowing full well I was farken slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home. Sure enough I passed a police booze bus but because it was a taxi, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.
I have never driven a taxi before,and am not sure where I got the farker from!. It is still in my place. Can you arrange for someone to pick it up.....???
Regards,
RLI
G, day folks!
I would like to share an experience with you about drink driving. As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the local authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I went out for a few beers with some army mates and i had a farken too many beers and then topped it off with a few rums.
Not a good idea. Knowing full well I was farken slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home. Sure enough I passed a police booze bus but because it was a taxi, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.
I have never driven a taxi before,and am not sure where I got the farker from!. It is still in my place. Can you arrange for someone to pick it up.....???
Regards,
RLI
RLI
Member
The power of the Prawn!
A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating fresh prawns.
Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.
He finished the box and threw it out the window.
Seeing this, she had enough, and pulled the train's Emergency Cord.
The Muslim man looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid, Infidel, worthless Catholic bitch."
She laughed and said, "When I cry rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel-headed camel-farker!!
Regards,
RLI
A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating fresh prawns.
Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.
He finished the box and threw it out the window.
Seeing this, she had enough, and pulled the train's Emergency Cord.
The Muslim man looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid, Infidel, worthless Catholic bitch."
She laughed and said, "When I cry rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel-headed camel-farker!!
Regards,
RLI
RLI
Member
In early 1994, an Islamic terrorist organization in Jordan ordered violent reprisals against all Jordanian stores that sold either videos or liquor. This meant bombing such stores.
On 1 February, Eid Saleh al-Jahaleen, 31 years old, accepted $50 in U. S. currency to plant a bomb in a Turkish movie theatre, in Zarqa. He entered and discovered that the theatre was showing Turkish pornography. He had never seen anything of the sort, and was immediately fascinated.
He stowed his bomb under a seat in the centre of the theatre, as instructed, then sat down in the same seat and watched the show. 10 minutes later, the farking bomb blew off both his legs and his testicles. His penis was relatively unscathed, since it was safely inside his right hand. He mercifully bled to death in the aisle.
Regards,
RLI
On 1 February, Eid Saleh al-Jahaleen, 31 years old, accepted $50 in U. S. currency to plant a bomb in a Turkish movie theatre, in Zarqa. He entered and discovered that the theatre was showing Turkish pornography. He had never seen anything of the sort, and was immediately fascinated.
He stowed his bomb under a seat in the centre of the theatre, as instructed, then sat down in the same seat and watched the show. 10 minutes later, the farking bomb blew off both his legs and his testicles. His penis was relatively unscathed, since it was safely inside his right hand. He mercifully bled to death in the aisle.
Regards,
RLI
RLI
Member
Aussie Bush Etiquette!
I know that Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognised throughout the civilised world but we all need to be reminded from time to time.
In General:
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview...
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.
Eating Out:
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
Entertaining at Home:
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
Personal Hygiene:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Weddings:
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes and ditch the thongs for the occasion.
Driving Etiquette:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
Regards,
RLI
I know that Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognised throughout the civilised world but we all need to be reminded from time to time.
In General:
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview...
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.
Eating Out:
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
Entertaining at Home:
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
Personal Hygiene:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Weddings:
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes and ditch the thongs for the occasion.
Driving Etiquette:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
Regards,
RLI
RLI
Member
Fifty Sheds Of Grey - extracts!
We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a
wall...but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed. “I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with
me.” So I took her to Bunning’s.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains
and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly. “Mmmm, kinky!” she purred. “Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!” “Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the
receipt.
“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”
“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded. “Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
“Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously,” she said, gently
massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD.
Regards,
RLI
We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a
wall...but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed. “I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with
me.” So I took her to Bunning’s.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains
and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly. “Mmmm, kinky!” she purred. “Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!” “Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the
receipt.
“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”
“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded. “Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
“Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously,” she said, gently
massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD.
Regards,
RLI
BravoBrad
Member
Good collection.
RLI
Member
Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" asked the teacher..
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Australia now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin."
Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Australia and now my new name is Kevin."
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" and his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Kevin?” she asked.
"Well miss, shortly after becoming an Australian, I was attacked and beaten by two farking Arabs."
Regards,
RLI
"What's your name?" asked the teacher..
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Australia now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin."
Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Australia and now my new name is Kevin."
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" and his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Kevin?” she asked.
"Well miss, shortly after becoming an Australian, I was attacked and beaten by two farking Arabs."
Regards,
RLI
This is such a heart warming story
Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way?'
'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?'
Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way?'
'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?'
RLI
Member
Gay marriage and drugs!
AHA! Gay marriage was legalized on the same day as was marijuana use... Los Angeles USA.
This makes perfect biblical sense:
Leviticus 20:13 "A man who lays with another man should be stoned"
Regards,
RLI
AHA! Gay marriage was legalized on the same day as was marijuana use... Los Angeles USA.
This makes perfect biblical sense:
Leviticus 20:13 "A man who lays with another man should be stoned"
Regards,
RLI
